The Real Housewives of Raffles Hall (Or Outing Myself As Chronically Online)

There is simply no way to frame this other than just the musings of someone who is chronically online. 

Over my 12 years of exposure to the strange little corners of the internet, I have gained several skills—reciting the entirety of Bye Sister by Tati Westbrook (Oh my God, time and place! And you did it at my birthday dinner!), being able to identify at least three different subsets of the 9/11 to Ellen DeGeneres pipeline (and I’ve even managed to extend it beyond just those two events), and, for some odd reason, finding a strange sense of fulfillment in imagining what some of my favourite personalities that I see online might be like in alternate scenarios.

Most of these, of course, are the activities of a 14-year-old with too much time on her hands. But often during late-night yap sessions with my friends who have had an equally prolific youth scouring the depths of the World Wide Web, we might return to these recreations out of a sense of nostalgia and perhaps even a love for the game. From there, this piece was born. “Do you think Timothée Chalamet would be a theatre kid?” quickly turned into “Do you think he’d be in RHMP?” and that turned into “Oh my God, what CCAs would he join?”

The impetus does, of course, extend slightly beyond that. Just slightly. If the words “Jackson Wang” and “party” have any correlation in your mind, you might be one of the people who have, at some point in their lives, been unable to escape the omnipresent jaws of those two terms put together. And while I empathise with you—while I know precisely how you feel, for I have been plagued by it too—I must bring back this term that hangs before you like a cold that just won’t go away. What if Jackson Wang threw a big party—and what if that party was Social Night at Raffles Hall?

And that leads us into the meat of this article. What awaits you is a compilation of the roles that I (in my 12 years of experience being chronically online, which basically means I’m an expert) believe a number of celebrities would play if they were to live in the same little kampong as you and I: Raffles Hall.

Timothée Chalamet:

It feels absolutely essential that I begin this article with the man who inspired it the most. If you’ve ever met an artsy theatre kid during your school years who you’re sure will go on to study something in the social sciences when they’re older, picture that exact person as I paint this picture for you. 

Timothée Chalamet at Raffles Hall is the poster child for the FASS student. He studies Communications and New Media and minors in Theatre Studies. There are several reasons he came to RH, but the primary one is, of course, RHMP. Of course Timothée Chalamet is an RHMP cast member. He was pulled into Raffles by a certain senior that he met during his time at SOTA (we will learn who this senior is soon). 

He is also a performative man. He wears the baggiest jeans with his little carabiner, where he hangs all manner of keychains (some of which he's had for years now). He owns several vinyl records but no record player. Indeed, he is a performative male, but he's probably the nicest performative male you know. He joins NUS Stage (because he needs to put that TS minor to as much use as he possibly can), and every Tuesday and Friday after his Stage sessions, his Stage and RH friends join him in his Block 4 single room for a supper session. Through these supper sessions, we are introduced to our next character.

Lil’ Timmy Tim performing at Culture Comm’s Talent Show. Note: All graphics in this piece will be poorly photoshopped by yours truly, because I refuse to use generative AI.

Robert Pattinson:

While Robert does not necessarily stay at Raffles, he might as well be a RHesident in his own right. Just like in real life, he’s a bit of an odd guy. A surprising number of people in RH know who Robert Pattinson is, but they have no clue what he studies or whether he even stays at RH (hint: he doesn’t). Robert Pattinson is a senior in NUS Stage, and met Timothée at the welcome tea when they were both sorted into the same group. Despite being an unassuming pair, the two hit it off, because in their hearts, they are both just strange guys (and I love that for them). Robert is now one of the people who come to Raffles every Tuesday and Friday with Timothée for post-Stage suppers, and several of Timothée’s RH friends interact with him. However, that is somewhat of a generous term. Most nights, he sits in a corner and makes a variety of expressions as he listens to everyone speak. He does, however, sometimes speak to the Rafflesians in the group (though it is only ever one at a time), and they find out that he’s really just a chill guy. It will, however, take a few of these conversations before they even learn his name. He remains a persona of mystery to those in Raffles, and it’s a little disappointing when they find out he lives in UTR and studies Computer Engineering—purely because it seems far too conformative for someone of his nature. He does have limited interactions with the RHockerfellas head, who knows him because they sit together in their core module lectures.

Mitski:

Anyone who knows me knows that I love Mitski. And since this article is ultimately mindless self-indulgence, Mitski must be here. While she is known to us as the woman who made hits such as My Love Mine All Mine or Nobody and the face of the “sad girl” genre of music, it is a lesser-known fact that Mitski was the vocalist for a progressive metal band for a few years. Therefore, in our alternate universe at Raffles, it only makes sense that if Mitski were to be in any CCA, it would be RHockerfellas. Her real passion lies in the arts, but she studies Computer Engineering with a minor in Business because her backup plan is a career in business. She’s also minoring in Film Studies. She met Timothée because he was her partner for 4Lyfers the year he joined Raffles, and the two quickly bonded over their shared love for the arts. She and Robert Pattinson met because they were sorted into the same group for PF1101: Fundamentals of Project Management. She plays the keyboard and is a vocalist for RH Unplugged and RHockerfellas, and her loyal gig partner is an e-bassist and her closest friend at Raffles.

Mitski in her Hall Leader Photo. Note: As made obvious by the clear dissonance in several aspects of the image, this is actually a picture of me that I photoshopped to have Mitski's face on it.

Laufey:

While Laufey’s main instrument is the cello (and, of course, her voice), she does dabble in the electric bass at times for Unkers. She studies Composition at the YST Conservatory of Music, and is the aforementioned senior from SOTA who pulled Timothée Chalamet into Raffles. They know each other through a mutual friend who was performing at SOTA’s annual showcase for their music students, which Timothée was attending. At Raffles, Laufey is the RHebels head. She stays in Block 3, and her neighbour is the vice head of BOP and Phoenix Studios, also known as her twin sister, Junia. Junia studies Political Science with a specialisation in International Relations. A pair of identical twins at RH with starkly different personalities would be a sight to behold—and Junia certainly takes advantage of this by supplying a horde of embarrassing pictures for Block 3’s Angel and Mortal initiative. Laufey does eventually fight back using her own strengths as Junia’s twin, after just a hint of encouragement from her acquaintance in the culture groups of RH.

Laufey performing with RHebels at Cultural Night.

Michael Cera:

Michael Cera is the embodiment of chill. He’s the most neutral individual I’ve ever come across. Michael Cera has never held an exco position in all of his years at RH. Despite all of that, he manages to get a Kuok single room every year. He plays the bass for RH Unplugged and RHockerfellas, and is friendly with just about every person you see. Part of what inspired his characterisation is his role in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, because there simply is no way to describe Michael Cera as anything but a chill dude. He’s kind of just there. He’s having a good time. And, you know what? Good for him.

Michael Cera photographed at Comm Hall while heading into the band room for practice. Why is he wearing such a big jacket, you ask? I dunno, man, he’s just a little chilly.

We've spoken a lot about the culture sphere at Raffles Hall. But I often wonder (and this is a question I have even about our actual, very ordinary, and free of A-list celebrities Raffles Hall), who created all of these CCAs that we see around RH? And that leads us a couple of years into the past, into the fateful year of 2001.

Gerard Way (and Ray Toro, Frank Iero, and Mikey Way):

Once again, in yet another fit of mindless self-indulgence, I bring in a set of characters I have adored since I was 11 years old. Remember how I mentioned the 9/11 to Ellen DeGeneres pipeline? That becomes relevant here. 

So imagine this: it's the first semester of the 2001–2002 academic year. Gerard Way is currently on exchange at New York University. While there, he’s greatly inspired by the local grunge scene. Upon returning to Raffles Hall, over the next semester, he has a YOLO moment and decides to create a space in RH for like-minded fans of rock music. And from there, RHockerfellas is created. 

Gerard Way is the first RHockerfellas head, and his vice heads are Ray Toro and Frank Iero, who were his neighbours when they were in Year 1. They decide, while working on RHockerfellas, to form an actual band. In comes Gerard Way's little brother, Mikey Way. Mikey does not even attend NUS. But he gets pulled in because he is Gerard's little brother, and therefore, My Chemical Romance is formed. All three of them are active alumni of Raffles Hall, and if you're lucky, you might just see them at an AEAC Alumni Tea. 

My Chemical Romance photographed in 2002 prior to the release of their debut album, at the garbage disposal area behind Comm Hall.

Honourable Mentions (before we move on to the star of our show):

Daniel Howell is a Law student who's the Block 2 head. His partner, Phil Lester, studies Linguistics, but has a real passion for visual media—and he's the Phoenix Studios head, and the Block 4 vice head. They’re friends with Ella Yelich-O’Connor, who studies English Literature with a minor in Film Studies, and publishes poetry online on her blog under the pen name Lorde. She has an interesting friendship with Charlotte Aitchison, because no one at RH can tell at any given point in time whether or not they’re friends; you might hear one day that they had the fallout of the decade, and then see them getting dinner together at Comm Hall the next. Luckily for all of us, Charlotte has already summarised these oh-so-confusing feelings into her music, which she releases under the stage name CharliXCX (which stands for “kiss Charli kiss”). In their first year, Charlotte and Ella performed a song they worked on together at Culture Committee’s Talent Show. Also at the Talent Show was a secret performance by the Block 3 and 4 RFs, Kristen Bell and Cillian Murphy, with Cillian on the guitar and Kristen providing vocals. They do this “surprise” performance every year. We also have Natalie Portman, who’s the Block 6 RF, and encourages people to actually read a book during reading week. Finally, we have a non-Rafflesian who’s very good friends with the person who’ll come next. Chris Evans (particularly The Fantastic Four era Chris Evans) stays at Kent Ridge Hall. He studies Biomedical Engineering, and does so to see how medical care can be improved for SAF. You might occasionally see him at the gym or hanging around Raffles with his aforementioned friend. 

Jackson Wang:

The idea that started it all. Jackson Wang is the life of the party at Raffles Hall. He studies Mechanical Engineering. He’s the head of the Social Committee, and ensures that Social Night is the wildest night RH has ever seen. He is the party himself. “Jackson Wang”, “party”—these terms are basically synonymous. Even after he’s done with his exco position, he shows up at every hall event where he’s asked to DJ, and he makes sure everyone has a good time. And he’s everywhere. He’s in 8 CCAs in his first year, then 5 in his second, and then continues to be part of CCAs even when he’s a graduating senior. It’s not uncommon to see him at Techno Edge queuing for chicken rice with a different friend each time (because he seems to know just about everyone). Jackson Wang is everywhere. And somehow, despite the fact that we tell ourselves that we’re worried by how often we see him, he is a comforting presence to be around. Just as the real Jackson Wang is on the internet (why is he interacting with Bollywood stars and why is my mother showing him to me and why am I watching this). 

Perhaps I’ve spent too much of my time thinking about this. Perhaps my characterisation of these personalities isn’t even accurate. But maybe one woman’s crashout is another person’s source of merry. If such is the case, I hope you’ve enjoyed this. And with that, this relentless act of proving myself as the person in the room with the most questionable online activity comes to an end. 

Written by: Arushi

Edited by: Joelle, Videl