by Kristoffer Videl Wijono
Goo~ood morning, fellow people of the sunny Republic of Singapore! We’re reporting live here from the rainy little Raffles Hall, deep within the jungle of the National University of Singapore!
We're having some absolutely lovely weather this morning, just the way we all like it: bright, resplendent sunshine beating down on us, with the occasional complimentary watery shower to get you all washed up and totally refreshed again! I say: there is certainly no better way to start the day than to sweat out in the great outdoors—or indoors, if you prefer that (For a free sauna experience, simply turn off any, ahem, electronic air-cooling devices you may have invested in!!)—and to get an awesome, rejuvenating shower delivered right to you from up high not long after. Imagine not having to waste time showering in a clean cubicle and just showering while travelling instead! The benevolence of Mother Nature knows no bounds indeed!!
That said, I'm not excluding the more... esoteric folks listening in right now who don't view showering the same way. If you're one of them folks who think that showering should only be done within the bleak confines of four sterile walls, well, preach it out and say it with pride!
In fact, I daresay that the Raffles Rain—or the RHain if you prefer, you funny folks—is in its own league of esoteric. Somewhat RHecently, the RHain seems to have become quite gentlemanly. Or more gentlemanly, perhaps—I’ve always appreciated how he kindly shuts up the noisy chickens here. See here: some lovely pictures of him!
Figure 1: YOU COME IN WITH THE RHAINNNNNNN
Source: The Weatherman, live from the Kuok Foundation House
How very cultured! Mr RHain brought some alms along while visiting the Kuok Foundation House! I’ve seen many folks enter here without even so much as a knock, and sometimes even without being actual folks of the hall, but here Mr RHain is proving that he is of a different breed from them all! Let’s get closer and ask what he’s doing here, eh?
Figure 2: Mr RHain taking shelter indoors
Source: The Weatherman, live from the Kuok Foundation House
Hush, people! It seems like Mr RHain is equally tired of always falling down to the earth, and he’s decided to take shelter for the night! Even the RHain gets sick of being rained upon, it seems. Let’s give him some privacy!
And now we move on to a tried-and-true audience favourite: a commercial break!
~~~commercial break~~~
Bored and have nothing to do? Catch up with HOT SINGLE PODCASTERS IN YOUR AREA NOW—on Spotify! We have TWO STEAMY EPISODES OUT!
And we’re back, folks! Hope you enjoyed the commercial. I know I did.
Anyways, Mr RHain’s left us for now it seems, so I’m here on Level 4, and I’m seeing some more interesting things here!
Figure 3: avant-gaRHde interior design
Source: The Weatherman, reporting liveeee
Mr RHain seems to have decided that our dear old Hall is in need of some modernity. He’s begun tearing down pieces of the ceiling in an attempt to whitewash our Hall! It’s certainly... avant-garde… Quite the acquired taste he’s got! I don’t think management’ll be too happy with his artsiness though. Unless, hmm… is it possible to sue nature for property damage? Consult your Law friends, people!
Okay, enough about the RHain—there are many other weatherly creatures out there waiting to be befriended. It’s the age of social media, but these folks are real old-fashioned, so you’ll have to meet them in person to get properly acquainted.
With that, it’s finally time for our weather special—time to meet Mr RHain’s relatives!
If you stare out your window, you’d see that the sun is uncensored, and you can see his unabashed glory in full display. He’s certainly the proudest one out there (and definitely the most well known). If you make eye contact with him, then it's obviously raining out there, what with all them photons pouring down from the heavens. Unfortunately, as a weatherman, I am professionally obligated to say that it's 'sunny' instead. Societal conformation and all that. How very droll. I worry for the world sometimes.
Now I'm sure that some of you folks are all too familiar with whatever I've been rambling about. Singapore's got many things, and that definitely includes a fruity weather scene. Why, just a couple of weeks ago, I went out to the nearby Yacht Club to sail and nearly got drenched permanently by the deep blue sea!
Figure 4: A beautiful photo taken by a drenched phone during a mini-typhoon off the Republic of Singapore Yacht Club
Source: One of my bosses
That said, for the more adventurous among you who may be looking for a little more zest in the atmosphere, I encourage you to go out and stick your tongue in different parts of the globe. It's like a bunch of unique snow globes out there, each with their own different kinds of snow! Experience all the different kinds of scorching hot sunshine and baby typhoons out there!
Why, I went to Sarasota once, and it's basically Singapore but with a bit less heat and a lot less rain. Incidentally, also a lot funkier rain. I had on two separate days experienced extremely light rain that lasted two whole minutes before stopping entirely. Keep in mind that this is a town that got thoroughly caressed by the kleptomaniac Hurricane Milton—who nearly cancelled my whole trip thanks to all the trees and houses he pilfered!
Figure 5: The Wondrous Hurricane Milton
Source: WWSB
Unfortunately, I am but a novice weatherman, having only been to so many parts of the world. I’d love to share more about the idiosyncrasies of more uncharted weather creatures, but unlike my dear friend Mr Sun (and my unpleasant acquaintance Mr Milton), gravity loves me too much to let me drift in the atmosphere without paying for exorbitant flight tickets (my account is still in shambles after the accursed trek to Sarasota). Maybe, though, if you can ‘persuade’ my boss to pay me more (please boss I’m begging), I could have more interesting tales to tell ;))))
Somehow, besides rambling about the weather, I am also required to tell you what the weather will be in the future. What balderdash! A weatherman is also expected to transcend the limitations of humanity and technology and travel four-dimensionally too, it seems. Well, luckily for you who care, I did just that. I can confidently tell you that having an umbrella would definitely help keep you showering only in your tiny little cubicles if that’s what you like. So I'm telling you right now: bring an umbrella. That concludes today's weather report, people. Have a nice— Huh, what? Okay, sorry, folks. It seems like my bosses somehow want me to p—predict the weather? Well, I'm afraid that's just not possible! Read the weather report? They miss nearly as often as Stormtroopers do! Look, just listen to me, fellas, and not the other weathermen working in your favourite sunny island. No matter what the weatherman says (even if it’s me—or maybe, ESPECIALLY if it’s me), just bring an umbrella. It's way easier than travelling through the fourth dimension to be your own weatherman.
I'd like to say that I've really gotten screwed over by the weather before. This is why I'm a weatherman now. Nigh brings tears to my eyes to think of all those times I committed the indecency of showering in all them public places.
sob Hm? Seems like it's raining indoors now too. Oh well. Tune in again tomorrow to hear more undeniable truths about the incredible nature of the heavens from an extremely well-educated weatherman.
Figure 6: Roy Mustang takes on the illustrious mantle of weatherman for a touching scene
Source: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Anime
Your favourite and most bubbly weatherman, out.
Update [29/11/2024 15:26]: this weatherman was in the beautiful American sunshine state of Florida where he chanted "Make America Great Again" from the sad, insect-ridden pool in the backyard of his quaint little AirBnB on Whitfield Avenue's very own Golf Simulator throughout Weeks 11–13. He coded, burned his fingers on a soldering iron, and occasionally read comics through the wee hours of the night to survive a terribly chaotic period of completing assignments, watching lectures, and slaving for an international competition while simultaneously living in three different time zones approximately 12 hours apart. This fact does not reduce the credibility of his opinions in the slightest, but for the sake of transparent journalism—something many people apparently fuss about for some reason—was mentioned nonetheless.
Update [29/11/2024 15:28]: this chapter, it seems, was somehow cooked up while said weatherman was on the 'longest flight' 18-hour flight from John F. Kennedy Airport in New York to Changi Airport in Singapore. It seems as if he was extremely saddened over missing the SpaceX launch in Eastern Florida the day of his flight.
Update [29/11/2024 15:29]: As of 3:29:49 pm on the 29th of November 2024, Mr V has been officially terminated from RHaffles Weather Channel. We have always had a commitment to accuracy and serious reporting, and thus deeply regret his questionable demeanour today. We will continue to bring you the best and most accessible news reporting, here in Raffles Hall.
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